Thursday, July 02, 2009

Small Swing, Big Bum

When we were kids, my other vain cousin (as opposed to the stupid, vain one I generally refer to—although upon reflection, both have merits in the stupid department) had a rather large bum. The fact bears repeating as it's the point from which this story begins and returns to. Gluteus maximus: enormous. Got it? Good. And in order to clear up any confusion as to which cousin I will be referring to, I shall assign proper names as this entry unfolds.

As it happened, one summer day, said bum was stuck in the baby swing in our building’s backyard. The fact that she was no longer a baby but instead a butch, muscular girl of ten years, who was still trying to fit into a baby swing deserves some sort of analysis in and of itself but consider even still that she was trying to fit her Quebec sized booty into a Prince Edward Island sized space. A folly that deserves further examination, no doubt.

So Stupid Cousin and I (who unfortunately happened to be playing with Big Bum at the time) immediately understood our call to action: we desperately yanked Big Bum's arms, with a faint hope of rescuing her from the misery she thrust herself into (literally). It was to no avail however, as we did not have the brawn to lift her out. And to make things worse Big Bum began wailing and fidgeting, causing both of her ‘tocks to jam deeper still into the swing.

Baby swings have movable metal bars akin to a seat belt, which are used to secure infants into the apparatus (how I loved the clinking sound of the chain metal). Thus, we tried manipulating the bar on the doomed and inhabited swing, with the rationale that Big Bum could be pulled out if her upper body had more room to exit, thereby dislodging her bottom. We weren't physicists but on the surface it made sense. You’d think so wouldn't you?

As it turned out, the bar too got jammed. Her movements were obstructed further, making it virtually impossible to lift her out—even if due to some miracle she did manage to extract her backside from the swing’s harness.

It was evolving into quite a predicament and Stupid Cousin and I were beginning to get frustrated. Despite Big Bum’s pleas to the contrary, we called a nearby adult (who was watching his children play on the slides) for help. He observed our dilemma and asked such pointed questions as: “How could this happen?” and “What were you thinking?” and the best one, “Did you try to get her out?”

Asking obvious questions that were already posed (by Stupid Cousin and myself) served to frustrate Big Bum even more, who was now borderline hysterical and deeply embarrassed. This obliging neighbour tugged and pulled, and even fiddled with the safety bar but really it was no use, as her bottom wouldn’t budge. And his parting words (after understandably giving up), were warnings not to do the same again. So after thanking him and muttering some unkind words to the man under our breaths, we desperately tried again.

This time mercifully, my brother who was riding his bike and saw the kerfuffle from afar (I shudder to think what that view must have been like) stopped to lend a hand. After the situation was explained yet again and after a third round of questioning (How? Why?…), and a bout of raucous but much needed laughter (all of which dismayed Big Bum), my brother, Stupid Cousin and I, applying vast amounts of elbow grease, were eventually (and mercifully) able to pull her out. The previous attempts must have loosened her bum’s mighty grip.

Big Bum who was wearing a white t-shirt and a red skirt with lace trim, long white socks and sneakers (a terrible look for being jammed into a swing) looked as though she had just come out of the womb for her first breath. I think it was sheer desperation, if not divine intervention, that we pulled her out. We finally went home exhausted, thanking our lucky stars and rubbing sore arms and legs, and in one pitiful case, sore ass.

I don’t think she went on any more undersized swings again.


  1. BWWAHAHAHAHAH!!! I am rolling in laughter at just the names "Stupid Cousin" and "Big Bum".

    Did Big Bum eventually grow out of her bum or did it remain right behind her big as ever??

    I cannot speak as I have one of the biggest ever--lol!!!

    But I know what not to stick it in.

  2. Your comment made me smile. Great quote: "I know what not to stick it in." Pure gold.

    Stupid Cousin is stupid as ever. And Big Bum remains so. :)

  3. Chelly I don't know if you'll see this but I've been reading some of your older posts, and this one is GOLD! Thanks for the morning chuckle my friend!!

    You're a very good writer, I enjoyed this (and the shorter story about using your dresser for a makeshift slide). I'm looking forward to uncovering more treasures here :)

    1. Wow, thank you so much for your kind words Doug! It means a lot to me. Your comments always make my day. So happy I could bring a chuckle your way. And you know what? I was just on your blog the other day reading your past posts and also your movie review page which I thought to be absolute gold! You're a brilliant writer and I'm looking forward to reading the many gems in your archives. :)


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